1/24/25
feeling: happy .. :')
watching: Not Even Emily
latest obsession: is it valid of me to say pjsk three entries in a row LMFAO
last song played: ////
current weather: cloudy, 19°F
today is going to be a good day and i am determined to keep it a good day !! 
i am going to see Blue Velvet in honor of David Lynch with my irl best friend tonight at the super cool movie theatre downtown. i'll go get dressed in a bit and figure out what to wear.. do my makeup n such... but we're also gonna go buy toys at target and the mall!! i may ask if we can go to ulta as well since it's not too far from the local target we prefer since there's a few makeup items i'm really wanting at the moment 
but besides that, i'm hoping to buy a monster high doll today ! i also bought persona 3 reloaded since it was FINALLY on sale for half off. omfg. my favorite persona game finally in my possession. i am so excited to start it later this week !!! i'm like vibrating with excitement as i write this. EEEEEE!!!!
item wishlist 4 today:
i'm just. Trying really hard. everyone's been checking in because i've been taking care of myself and putting myself first and i haven't been messaging people first and GOD it's so...? nice? to just. only message people when i feel the need. i don't have to keep up these relations that are one-way streets. i'm doing okay. I really am. And if i'm not in a week. I'll come back to this to remind myself there is good after bad.
all the love. always and forever. Seriously. 
1/21/25
feeling: better 
watching: lilsimsie
latest obsession: project sekai still LOL
last song played: Yes I'm Changing by Tame Impala
current weather: sunny, 3°F
god things have been quite awful literally but i am PUSHING THE FUCK THROUGH. i am going to be okay. i have people who love me. i will be better and there are people who are there to support me through the awful. even if they need time away from me they still care about me. and. idk. my lovely friends who i care about so dearly are here for me when i need them to be. and that is what matters.
besides that, class was cancelled today. and it's going actually pretty decent. the coursework isn't Too hard at the moment. 
i'm really grateful for that.
i'm also really excited for VAL3 IN TEN DAYS!!! 
WAHGFJHSGFKHLSK OMFG. OMFG !! my oomf and i are tiering together ((but in separate servers - if i ever make a shrine on pjsk tiering, which i've been debating doing, i'll explain that more in depth !!)) and i'm really excited for them too. we're gonna crush the leaderboard !! YENA AND JEONGIN !! 
i've been doing a lot more coding - and a lot more on my own, so if things are wonky, i apologize >_< i'm doing my best !! anyway... i hope things are good for y'all. aquarius season is always up and down for me, but i love the seasons after this up until cancer season LOL, especially taurus season.. My Element :3
take care y'all. make sure you're taking care, somehow, someway, in anyway. all the love.
1/18/25
feeling: is awful a sufficient answer.
watching: emongg
latest obsession: project sekai ... 
last song played: Take Me Home by ATEEZ
current weather: light snow + rain, 34°F
hi. hello. i'm back to adding emojis since i figured out how to download the cute ones. and i figured out i could add my old discord ones to my server anyway. so. here we are.
so.... 
it's been really bad for me. i don't know how to say any of this without sounding like an asshole, but do you ever feel alone, even when you're not? i have so many lovely friends, but i constantly feel like i'm the one reaching out and doing all the work. i feel like i'm the one doing everything. i feel like though friendship is a two-way street, i'm the one traveling down most roads. and while i know having maybe.. four to five close friends is an amazing gift, but when i talk to many more people than that on a daily basis, and i'm the one making the effort most times, it feels like i'm keeping up superficial relationships. and i don't know how to stop. but i also don't know how to keep trying.
and at the same time, i just want people to care about me - the same amount i care for everyone around me. and i hate saying i have so much love to give, but i truly do. i truly have so much love to give and it's hard not having so many people to love in platonic fashions. i want so many friends - but i want all these friends to care about me. it's .. weird. i just want people to care about me, in a strange sense. i just want the people i love to love me in tangible fashions. i want people to hang out with me. i want people to message me back. and i am so greedy for wanting all of these things. i am so so greedy for demanding more from my friends.
but why am i not enough for them? why do they not want to be around me?
why am i so hard to love?
i hate having bpd. it's such a horrible disorder. it's so disabling - i've lost so many friends due to... Me - simply being Me. and it is such an awful feeling knowing you are your own enemy.
man. Man.... 
i'm sorry. if you made it through this one, thanks. Thanks for just being here. 
y'all mean the world to me.
all the fuckin' love</3
1/12/25
feeling: guilty...?
watching: nikki carreon
latest obsession: :/
last song played: Picky Picky by Weki Meki
current weather: hazey, 30°F
i... have been very depressed recently.
i go back to college tomorrow. i'm excited in a certain sense, but at the same time, i'm not really excited for anything. everything feels so dull lately. i'm trying so hard to be excited for the event i'm tiering in pjsk, but it's only bringing me fear.
not to mention my uncle is dying.
no, this isn't a repeat of november. it sure feels like it, though. he has cancer. his chances of living are very slim.
i don't know why good men have to leave so soon.
i don't think i'm very good. y'know? like, in general. at all. i don't feel like my soul is very pure. that i have a good heart. i want to be good.
why am i no good?
1/05/25
feeling: drained.
watching: louis mclung
latest obsession: my oomfs server
last song played: REVIVED by derivakat
current weather: light snow, 13°F
i won't lie: the holidays were really, really hard. but i made it through. i did it. i'm alive!
and to be honest, i haven't had motivation for much. even the things that normally bring me joy. writing, letters, making presents for my friends - i've just been so tired. so drained from everything. i think i don't want to have responsibilities for a little bit. i would enjoy just being. just existing. i think that's why i've been enjoying playing mindless video games like rhythm games recently. it feels like a small accomplishment in a way. but it also feels like i'm getting nothing done. which is both good and bad.
i need to get things done, if we look at it all. i can't just put my life on pause because i'm on winter break. but god, i want to. i need a break. i'm trying to still finish all my tasks but it's hard. i'm struggling to push through, to push myself to do everything that needs to get done. i'm just... * falls to the floor in a dramatic fashion, sighing *
can y'all just keep me in your mind. like your prayers or whatever. i'm not religious but i genuinely would really appreciate it. i think my uncle's dying. i already lost two people last year. i don't know what to do with this. where to put it. how to put it down.
i just need someone to hold my hand.
thanks:(
