1/18/25
feeling: is awful a sufficient answer.
watching: emongg
latest obsession: project sekai ... 
last song played: Take Me Home by ATEEZ
current weather: light snow + rain, 34°F
hi. hello. i'm back to adding emojis since i figured out how to download the cute ones. and i figured out i could add my old discord ones to my server anyway. so. here we are.
so.... 
it's been really bad for me. i don't know how to say any of this without sounding like an asshole, but do you ever feel alone, even when you're not? i have so many lovely friends, but i constantly feel like i'm the one reaching out and doing all the work. i feel like i'm the one doing everything. i feel like though friendship is a two-way street, i'm the one traveling down most roads. and while i know having maybe.. four to five close friends is an amazing gift, but when i talk to many more people than that on a daily basis, and i'm the one making the effort most times, it feels like i'm keeping up superficial relationships. and i don't know how to stop. but i also don't know how to keep trying.
and at the same time, i just want people to care about me - the same amount i care for everyone around me. and i hate saying i have so much love to give, but i truly do. i truly have so much love to give and it's hard not having so many people to love in platonic fashions. i want so many friends - but i want all these friends to care about me. it's .. weird. i just want people to care about me, in a strange sense. i just want the people i love to love me in tangible fashions. i want people to hang out with me. i want people to message me back. and i am so greedy for wanting all of these things. i am so so greedy for demanding more from my friends.
but why am i not enough for them? why do they not want to be around me?
why am i so hard to love?
i hate having bpd. it's such a horrible disorder. it's so disabling - i've lost so many friends due to... Me - simply being Me. and it is such an awful feeling knowing you are your own enemy.
man. Man.... 
i'm sorry. if you made it through this one, thanks. Thanks for just being here. 
y'all mean the world to me.
all the fuckin' love</3
1/12/25
feeling: guilty...?
watching: nikki carreon
latest obsession: :/
last song played: Picky Picky by Weki Meki
current weather: hazey, 30°F
i... have been very depressed recently.
i go back to college tomorrow. i'm excited in a certain sense, but at the same time, i'm not really excited for anything. everything feels so dull lately. i'm trying so hard to be excited for the event i'm tiering in pjsk, but it's only bringing me fear.
not to mention my uncle is dying.
no, this isn't a repeat of november. it sure feels like it, though. he has cancer. his chances of living are very slim.
i don't know why good men have to leave so soon.
i don't think i'm very good. y'know? like, in general. at all. i don't feel like my soul is very pure. that i have a good heart. i want to be good.
why am i no good?
1/05/25
feeling: drained.
watching: louis mclung
latest obsession: my oomfs server
last song played: REVIVED by derivakat
current weather: light snow, 13°F
i won't lie: the holidays were really, really hard. but i made it through. i did it. i'm alive!
and to be honest, i haven't had motivation for much. even the things that normally bring me joy. writing, letters, making presents for my friends - i've just been so tired. so drained from everything. i think i don't want to have responsibilities for a little bit. i would enjoy just being. just existing. i think that's why i've been enjoying playing mindless video games like rhythm games recently. it feels like a small accomplishment in a way. but it also feels like i'm getting nothing done. which is both good and bad.
i need to get things done, if we look at it all. i can't just put my life on pause because i'm on winter break. but god, i want to. i need a break. i'm trying to still finish all my tasks but it's hard. i'm struggling to push through, to push myself to do everything that needs to get done. i'm just... * falls to the floor in a dramatic fashion, sighing *
can y'all just keep me in your mind. like your prayers or whatever. i'm not religious but i genuinely would really appreciate it. i think my uncle's dying. i already lost two people last year. i don't know what to do with this. where to put it. how to put it down.
i just need someone to hold my hand.
thanks:(
