Dear Diary . . .

i think from the content warning you can tell why i've been gone. i lost a family member and i don't wanna go into much detail talking about it but when she got sick it was hard on everyone. and i think that's why it was so hard for so many months. it's still hard. it's going to be hard for awhile. i don't know how i'm going to do this. but i'm going to try. i'm going to try so hard. it's not easy. it really isn't but. God. what else is there to do?

i think if i gave up, she'd be disappointed. not in the way of, like, wow. You suck. but like, you know how people say the dead watch over us? i can believe that. i can believe she's watching us - not necessarily haunting, just checking in. making sure we're okay, remembering her. and i am. we all are. we're not okay, but she's here with us. and i don't think she'd be upset that we're not okay. i think she'd be upset if she let that feeling take over. Y'know?

i don't know. i don't. it's so hard without her here. but i need to keep going. school starts soon!! and i have all my supplies around. that was always my favorite part of the back to school era - getting supplies and shopping. maybe it's the taurus in me. LMFAO. anyway. i'm. i;m really trying. for her.

i see ateez next month, too. and i really just want to make this feel okay. like i can experience this without feeling guilty.

i need to stop feeling guilty.

that's for another day, though.

take care, everyone.

lots of love.

<3