03/31/25
feeling: UGH!!!
watching: Busiswa
latest obsession: is it bad if i say pinterest boards LMFAO
last song played: Karma by CircusP
current weather: heavy clouds, 39°F
i've had the worst morning ever i cannot lie to y'all.
woke up late. which Always stresses me out to an insane degree. like, it's as if my day has already started off Wrong. There's something so stressful about waking up late it makes my nervous system implode upon itself.
then i took my dog out and STEPPED IN DOG SHIT. it was fine i was able to grab paper towels from the deck door but STILLLLL... Ew !! Gross !!
(not to mention i had to clean up our oldest's dog's pee just a bit later after i went to get myself a treat. my mom was in the shower + my dad was still sleeping so nobody was available to let her outside:( but still. just my luck AHAHA)
i sobbed on the couch for a good 30ish minutes to my mom. i decided i'd skip class today because. yeah. Yeeah. it's just that kind of day. so the treat thing ++ my poor old dog and then. i just got triggered by something so Minor and i felt so bad about it. everything is making me feel bad for being upset. like, i get upset and then i feel awful for Being upset. it's like i hate that i have all these emotions and i can't suppress them. i want them gone. i want them to stop affecting me and the people around me. they're killing me so slowly.
bpd is awful. that's really all i can say :/
03/26/25
feeling: numb
watching: emongg
latest obsession: i'm a bit unsure
last song played: 花요일 Blooming Day by EXO-CBX
current weather: light clouds, 35°F
my uncle is dying. again. and no, it's not the same uncle; he hasn't been revived into a zombie and we're killing him as an act of mercy. this is me joking to cope, please understand. but no, it's my dad's other older brother. i... cannot imagine losing two brothers, let alone both of your older brothers, let alone in the span of less than a year.
and the fact my uncle hasn't told my dad that he's dying officially. my dad wasn't invited out to see him for the last time. my dad doesn't get the privilege of saying goodbye. not to either of his brothers, actually. and that's kind of fucked up. the more and more i think about it, the more angry i get. the more sad i get for my dad. the more enraged i feel. it's sickening. i know my dad is fucked up, but there is no reason to treat him in such a manner. idk. Idk.
not to mention the fact we're probably going to have to put down one of our dogs. and this isn't a choice our family is coming to easily - it may not be a choice we make at all, but it is a discussion we have been having - but when she attacks all of us, when she causes harm to every member of the family, including our other dogs... it gets to a point. yesterday, my youngest dog bled all over my bed due to a fight she started. a fight she started for no reason we could find. she's an old dog, but she's Mean. she makes us all nervous with her unpredictability and how much damage she can cause. and i don't think that's safe.
idk. this has all been so. Smile and wave boys. Smile and wave. I just feel like i'm going through the motions again. i'm so numb. i really am. it's the only way to say it.
03/20/25
feeling: a bit discouraged, tbh !!
watching: emongg
latest obsession: more about that, tho >:3
last song played: Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
current weather: light rain, 36°F
today wasn't Awful! class went well. i've been going, like, an hr before it starts just to get some work done which has really been helping me. and i talked with my crush :D
but then i got home and had a meltdown for no reason. i wasn't able to get to the kpop store like i wanted, even tho i know i'll be able to go this weekend anyway. it's just a bit discouraging :/ as i really wanted to go and i always feel like a failure whenever my mood or fatigue gets in the way of things i want to do for myself, even if it's not Basic Selfcare, like showering or brushing my teeth or feeding myself. like i deserve to go out with my friends too !! and it sucks i can't do that sometimes because my mood gets in the way of my plans. or my fatigue. or whatever other problem of mine.
ALas.
in better news. i started a lil writing project for the summer. i know it's way in advance but i wanna get it all set up so i can have everything drafted or at least brainstormed for when the months roll around. and this is in place of the october writing challenges, as i'll be in my third semester of college by then !! :D so this is just a lil workaround to do it in the summer. i'm doing 10 prompts for the month of july i think...? but i'll probably work on them sooner, mainly in june tho. i have it all planned out in my notion, actually! i'm very excited about this:')
this also means i'll be venturing back into the lands of zb1 after promising to myself i wouldn't... but i do want to again. I really do. And i'm excited with these two prompts:')
GOOD THINGS AHEAD!! :D LOTS OF FUN WRITING PROJECTS ON THE HORIZON!! and what more can i ask for to keep me busy? :')
03/13/25
feeling: sleepy T_T
watching: Not Even Emily
latest obsession: it's still cookie run i . don;t know
last song played: LIKEY by Twice
current weather: sunny, 51°F
i've been doing a lot better :( it's spring, finally! financially i could be in a better spot but i'm in a good place mood wise.
and i think therapy every week was a good choice, even if it's harder to keep up with. i signed up for my two classes for the fall semester. i'm a bit disappointed in myself as i wanted to take three but i need to remember i'm trying to pace myself and take this at a pace that is manageable for me. if this is working, then i don't need to push myself too quickly. i'm taking philosophy and anthropology - both base levels, but the anthropology class is needed for my, well, anthropology degree LOL. so i'm really excited :') i'm more of a sociology person than a philosophy person but i do like both in practice :O
anyway,,, do any of y'all play cookie run. can i speak my shit about cookie run. oh my good god. i love black sapphire cookie. and i am sooo obsessed with building these damn cookies. i literally got distracted writing this entry by playing cookie run. i'm gonna post this and edit everything so i can just get this update out but omg. if u play cookie run ... lmk :3
03/04/25
feeling: blah ! Just... Blah.
watching: Kiki Chanel
latest obsession: mobile gaming
last song played: Chururira Chururira Daddadda! by WADATAKEAKI KurageP
current weather: light snow, 34°F
i'm trying my best, and honestly? if i'm being quite real? that's really all i can do right now. i'm going to shower later, probably after my therapy appointment. do my best to be productive + take care of myself. i already did a few chores. i think i wanna write a lot today. that's my goal. i'm trying to set goals. i'm trying. small steps. small, baby steps.
i know therapy will be rough today, so i'm trying to get myself in the right mindset for it, if that almost makes any sense. therapy prep LMFAO.
i just want to do a better job overall. i know healing isn't linear. i just want to say i'm doing Better instead of Worse. y'know?
in terms of tiering!! i need to update some things, as i get to tier some events i want to for stamina training, and also some others i'm really looking forward to in general. shihomix, haru5, wd4... here i come :devious: >:D
i've been into my mobile games, which isn't the best way to cope, but it's making me super happy. i've been having a great time with pjsk and crk. man, what am i, 15?
whatever. cringe is dead.
idgaf.
:dance:
