Dear Diary . . .

i'm.,.. alive.

I think, at least.

my grandpa isn't, although. and i'll be honest. that was really hard to process. processing both the fact my grandma And papa were gone wasn't.. easy. it still isn't easy. it's only been a month. fun fact: ever since the funeral, my two cousins from colorado haven't spoken. weird shit. like, what if your brother dies? what about your dad? who has Cancer? weird. again. whatever. none of my business. except it kind of is, because it's my family.

i don't know what i'm gonna do when my parents leave me.

like, i know i need to leave their home eventually, and i'm ready for that, i think, or at least, i will be fully prepared soon enough. but like, in terms of them Dying? Never coming back? i don't think i'll ever be prepared for that. i don't think anyone is ever prepared for that.

whatever man. i'm cruising.

cymbalta does wonders for your mood. i should be a walking advertisement for it. considering i haven't really lashed out since he died, unlike when my grandma died. i lashed out at everyone. it wasn't... easy. at all. it still isn't. nothing's really ever going to be easy and i'm kind of learning that. but it's okay. i think i'm gonna switch to computer science or marketting to get a desk job and work my life away at the computer. my dream. like, genuinely. no sarcasm.

i do belong in an office, unfortunately.

but some people were meant for that. and i'm one of those people.

my papa was meant to run. he was meant to travel and be on his feet. seeing him in a wheelchair was so Strange. i remember when he'd pull me around on the tractor during the winter since we didn't have any good hills around my area. well, besides one. but it was always so packed whenever it snowed. so... my papa improvised. he was a hillbilly, kind of. a country man + a proud american, which i am Not. but i respected him. i still respect him, even if he had shitty political views. he was a lover. he cared so much, even if he didn't like your background. because he believed in respect and basic rights for people, even if you didn't like them. and that was bravery, i think. for my papa, at least.

i miss you. i hope you're doing okay with grandma. i know she's a handful. but she missed you. hell, you died on valentine's. practically told us all that grandma took you out on a date in your sleep so you could be together forever, like you always wanted. because we all know you loved her more than anything. and i respected that so much. it made My heart warm.

take care, papa. your girls are doing good. i promise.