Dear Diary . . .

feeling: spooky!

watching:  Sad Boyz

latest obsession: Pinterest Moodboards

last song played: Booo! by More More Jump!

current weather: windy, 67°F

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

i finally finished my ten-part fanfiction series ! while it wasn't all the same source, it was 15k+ words of fic... i'm quite proud! for one month of works uploaded, that's quite a bit!

i had quite the rough therapy session this morning, and it's been quite rough recently. i had to delete twitter, but i think this will be my main social media alongside pinterest and the occasional tumblr / instagram. oh, and toyhouse. i like toyhouse:) it's fun to look at art !! i like instagram when it's really just to shop too LOL. when i don't have to interact with people in my irl life - besides my cool irl who i'm seeing Halloween with tonight, shoutout - it's quite nice. when i don't have to interact with people who stress me the everliving fuck out and make me feel guilty for existing, it's nice.

i do need to set more boundaries with myself and others. i need to assess how i show up to my relationships. but i also need to remember it's not always my fault for how i act, and the people who treat me badly need to understand they are at fault, too. we are equally at fault in our relationship. it's ours.

i dunno. i'm trying to tell myself not everything is my fault always. i feel like it is. i feel like it always is. but it's not. i don't need to live with all this weight.

mima from perfect blue moment:) maybe i just need to kill the people who do me wrong and go a lil crazy about it - THAT'S A JOKE PLEASE. I AM NOT GOING TO KILL ANYONE !!! YOU SHOULDN'T EITHER !! I REPEAT !! NO MURDER !! FOR ME OR YOU !!

i only say that because i think i may dress up as mima again when we go out to see the movie ! hehe:)

have a great holiday, everyone ! all the love :D

feeling: depressed

watching: Zeez Vov Gee V

latest obsession: IDV (still)

last song played: CRAZY by LE SSERAFIM

current weather: starry + clear, 47°F

my therapist told me to write this entry. so this one goes out to you, katy. i'm doing my therapy homework like a good noodle.

i'm gonna start with the entry i'm (not necessarily) required to do: self and co-regulation.

i can't remember what the exact prompt was from my therapist, but i do remember it was supposed to be about why i go to others when i need to regulate, and if i feel as if i can do things on my own. to answer that, i do feel as if i can do things on my own, but emotions are very scary. my bpd is scary. i think without the proper co-regulation as a child, i lack the confidence to face my big emotions, so i go to people to help with my big emotions now, since i never was taught how to regulate with others and thus be able to do it on my own.

i do want to be able to regulate on my own, but i'm not really sure where to start. though that's where katy comes in, i do want to think about how regulation works on my own and how i can start to be able to control my emotions on my own.

anyway.

i had bad nightmares last night. something about my ex, my abuser. so, i'm skipping class and emailing my professor my assignment to gain the credit needed and then i'll do my homework provided ... hmm.. this is kinda just a brain dump entry but that's okay. i need to put all my thoughts somewhere. they're swirling like mad.

what else is needed for today. my absolute goal is to finish my final kinktober fic and then work on a penpal letter. i think that's it. just lots of writing! which isn't too bad.

i hope you all are taking care. sending my best. all the love ♥

feeling: misused

watching: CaseOh

latest obsession: IDV

last song played: Work by ATEEZ

current weather: sunny, 60°F

man. i don't know anymore.

i'm trying not to be so angry, but it's hard? it's hard. and i'm trying to be vague on purpose. just in case, y'know. my paranoia eats at me constantly. i never know if someone will find me. i'm always debating going by a new pseudonym on here. maybe i should. maybe i should...

anyway. it's hard not to be angry when i have to keep compromising myself. i just have to stick this out, but it's still shitty. it's upsetting. it's frustrating. every word for anger under the god damn sun. i don't know anymore. i don't know.

i have two fics to upload this weekend and there's the halloween party, too. i'm excited for all of that. and my friend wants to see the new beetlejuice movie! which should be fun regardless. my mom wants to see it, too, and her birthday is monday. we're going out to brunch with her girlfriends (the 40year old mom, gal-pal terminology wording of girlfriends, if you know what i mean) and i'm excited to get tipsy at 11am without consequences. i fucking love a good mimosa, man.

i have things to look forward to. my essay is coming along nicely so i don't have to worry about that. actually, when meeting with my professor today, she complimented me as a writer, and that felt very nice. hearing that she doesn't worry about me and my works because she knows i'm a good writer... especially considering how accomplished she is? even though we're in a community college setting, my professor was on track to get her masters. she's very intelligent, despite the things that set her back. i admire her a lot. truly.

so that was nice.

i think i'm coming around a bit. slowly but surely. baby steps, like always.

i hope you guys are all doing well, too. i know i don't know you guys that well but i care. i always care.

all the love<3

feeling: sleepy, but okay.

watching: lilsimsie

streaming: n/a

current weather: sunny, 66°F