03/30/24
feeling: sick
watching: sixteenleo
streaming: the vampire by mmj
current weather: rain incoming, 37°F
i'm gonna need to do a lot of thinking. a lot. and my brain isn't ready for that.
but sorry for the inactivity, i've been super stressed. i'm coping with stardew, though. LMFAO. 1.6 my beloved. thank you, concerned ape, for your service. o7
i'm like. How do i say this. college is giving me an anyeurism. ya know. they phased out the program i wanted to pursue. so i'm looking at other options. right now, i'm considering doing the gen-ed track and transferring, like i was going to do before. but that didn't work when i did it before. so i'm Nervous. Very Nervous. Like, chihuahua on steroids, highest setting vibrator, nervous.
trying to figure out what i want to pursue after my general credits are finished is also... difficult, to say the least. i have a lot of pain issues and limitations due to not only that, but also my mental health. so, it's kind of a dealbreaker for me if i have to go into work over 50% of the time. i would prefer to work from home full-time, but i understand that's not, like, feasible in most cases. so i'm trying to think of degrees which i could pursue where i could work from home after i graduate. so. any suggestions LOL. i joke but i'm kinda begging at this point.
i skipped therapy because i wasn't ready to talk about it just yet. i am now, though. and i need her advice, like, desperately. i gotta wait a week. that's okay. i can wait. i can keep going and keep sitting with this feeling. it won't kill me.
anyway. i'm gonna get back to coping with stardew and trying to plan out project sekai tiering stuff. i gotta finance which i wouldn't have ever expected from a rhythm game, but if i want to get top 100 in an event...... financing is needed. LMAO. anyway. i will see:3 have a great weekend y'all. happy easter!
03/22/24
feeling: exhausted
watching: jerma985
streaming: melting point by zerobaseone
current weather: snowy, 30°F
eugh. why is it snowing in ARIES SEASON. it's literally the beginning of spring, like, everywhere, and it's SNOWING. sniffles. sobs. cries.
anyway. i've been busy. i'm so sorry. :( i want to update my plushie page soooo bad and i wanna make a page for blind box figures bc i have like.. 5? more on the way, i believe. and i'm like, vibrating w/ excitement as we speak. but that's besides the point. the point is: i've been busy. and that's a good thing. being a bit busy isn't always bad, a little stress isn't always terrible. i'm trying to find my limits again. trying to pace myself. trying to find my way back to a life where i can sustain myself, even if it's just a bit. because i'll have to, eventually. and realizing this has been very hard. very, very hard. like, coming to terms with my trauma, hard.
it's going okay, though. i'm pacing my college journey out as slow as i possibly can. i'm taking on things one at a time, one foot in front of the other. slowly, carefully. but it's working. it's working.
sorry for the long drought without an update, but i'm gonna try to finish this draft of my rarepair fest piece now. take care, y'all <3
03/15/24
feeling: pissed!
watching: emongg
streaming: just like dat by psychic fever
current weather: sunny, 41°F
i'm getting Real Sick of teenagers and their bullshit, y'all! real sick and tired, let me tell ya! 
some of the team members try to argue with me when i bring up my concerns, which is just. Wow. communication red flag. communication firetruck. 
anyway. i just got a HUGE neokyo order, and that made me feel a bit better. i got plushies, stickers, pins, blind box figures, photocards, and a bunch more. all sorts of fun stuff!
03/11/24
feeling: The Worst ™
watching: emma in the moment
streaming: eenie meenie by chungha ft. hongjoong
current weather: sunny, 35°F
WELL! i'm on my period. i'm not... supposed to have these. i have not had a period since i was about 13 years old, since they were so painful when i was younger. fun fact: i basically transferred from birth control to testosterone, back to birth control. testosterone was having negative effects on my body, so i stopped taking it. it was probably for the best, as my hormone levels weren't stable. i don't really mind, though. i'm happy with my gender presentation as it is. it's the periods. it's the Fucking Periods Bro.
i do believe i may potentially have PCOS. when i transfer to a gynecologist next year i'll ask about a diagnosis and testing, as my current doctor for my gender services cannot provide that testing. but he's the coolest, so it's fine LMFAO. no, but really. my cramps are Killing Me. and don't even get me started on the mood swings. the bpd mood swings are already enough to handle, but throw my hormones on top of that??? hell. Hell On Earth. actually. udfsgjhkjdhsflsj;;kl;dsjkljhkdgfl. i want to faceplant on the floor.
anyway. i just needed to rant about my cramps for a bit. it's been actually the worst thing ever. i'm hanging in, otherwise. gonna work on my rarepair fest fic so i can meet my deadline this month. OH!! i have a neokyo package on the way. which means PJSK MERCH!! i might do a lil collection page soon... after i make my plushie page. i'll see how that goes first ! :D
i'm excited, though, to make that. i have a bunch of plushies i'm excited to pose and take pictures of. i used to run a squishmallow page back in '21-'22 and i would coordinate my outfits to the squishmallow and idk. it was fun. i know squishmallows are not a good company, and i have not bought any since their announcement in support of isreal, so you shouldn't either !! if anyone sees this. check out squishables, or buy them second-hand. bc i'm a sucker for the squishmallow clips still, i get it. sighs. keychains my beloved....
i'm getting distracted. it's Monday. ramadan muburak everyone :) take care !! <3
03/07/24
feeling: crampy
watching: lilsimsie
streaming: melting point by zb1
current weather: cloudy, 48°F
UGFHJKHSDFLKSDFLSJJC. emu bonk. i had to cancel therapy today because i have missed my birth control for THREE DAYS. THREE FUCKING DAYS !! i think i'm going feral. i started daydreaming about the guy at WALGREENS for fucks sake. the hormones are getting to me. send the troops. but for real, i'm so spacey recently and i'm trying to write at least like 400 words a day but ohhhh. my god. idk what i'm doing in this piece. i wanna go back to my rarepairfest piece but this is a COMM and i need to prioritize this, even if i need to be halfway done w/ the rarepairfest thing by like. sometime this month. idk when. Ugh. emu bonk again.
i'm gonna get up and redo my whiteboard here in a minute, so i can plan out my deadlines and such. i really shouldn't be so stressed. i have nothing to be stressed about. and yet. And Yet !!!! here i am.
it's whatever though. i am Powering through. i am Tough. and i can write more in a bit here, too. i got all day to meet my word count!
it'll be alright. i just gotta keep telling myself so. i just gotta believe in the fact.
03/03/24
Wow. It's been a week. Thank God it's Sunday, LMFAO. I've been sleeping like absolute shit, but I'm surviving.
Working on a commission! It's Twice yuri :yipee: !! I'm only about 3k words into it, and it's supposed to be about 10k, but I'm gonna try to grind more out this week, as we finally got better weed so I can settle my back + sleep better. Thumbs up!
Side note: why do I keep spelling thumbs as 'thumps' when I type? Dear God, help me. LMAO.
But I'm waiting for one of my mod applications to come back - the server had the aps open for about a month, so it's fair to say it'll take a bit for them to get back to me. I'm nervous, though.
AGH.
Anyway. I'm gonna keep trying to code this site, as I've been hyperfixated on coding, I think :3 I've been having a lot of fun though!! Web design kind of fascinates me.
Anyway. Anyway anyway anyway. This felt like more words than I actually wrote. But, it's time to head out. Have a great weekend!
