Dear Diary . . .

i realized with my last update i didn't really say much.

and then i attempted to kill myself the other day.

it's been really, really hard. like, extremely so. when i said i was going to see ateez i got into a car accident and dislocated my shoulder. i almost didn't go to the concert. i Did though. i almost didn't make it through this. but i am.

it's been so hard trying to make it through this. but i'm just trying to keep myself afloat. reminding myself its okay that people leave me. that sometimes things don't work out. it's just hard with bpd, y'know? the abandonment and mood swings just make everything hard. and losing another family member on top of it all - it's just been one thing after another. but that's life. things after things. hardships after hardships. it's just dumb that my brain makes it even harder for me to handle them than normal. and everyone looks at me like a freak for it. but i'm really trying. i am. and i know i am. and that's what matters, right?

i think that's what matters, at least. i'll be writing some kinktober fics so keep your eyes peeled for those. i'm really excited for them all. take care. all the love.

and i'm not dead again. though, i really do wish i was this time around.

i'll keep it short. fake friends fucking suck. fake people fucking suck. people who waste your time fucking suck. not that the love wasn't real, the love was never wasted - no, i don't think that. i just want my time loving people who care the same amount for me, who put the same amount back and value me the same as others. i don't fuck with that hierarchy bullshit. don't fuck with me if you're gonna put me at the bottom of your ladder. i'm not gonna fuck with you. period.

it's shitty, caring for people who don't view you in the same light. i'm tired of caring for people who turn around and mock me. literally. they posted bullshit about me in their group chat and posted those screenshots where they were indirectly talking shit about me on twitter. it's not fucking funny. it's not cool. nobody's gonna be laughing when you make me kill myself. LOL.